What’s more, Melancon adds, after the first six months to two years of a relationship, the honeymoon-phase hormones and chemicals wear off and reality starts to set in. “Your partner has annoying habits, you always have that fight, and you may start to feel the strain of some unmet needs in the relationship,” she says. “At this point, sex can decline in the face of drama.”
That’s why, in addition to working toward improving your relationship overall, experts encourage couples to schedule sex and physical intimacy—and insist that doing so isn’t vanilla. “I will forever shout this from the rooftop: Being intentional is the new sexy,” Beverley Andre, LMFT, relationship coach and founder of BeHeart Counseling Services, tells Glamour. “Some people get it wrong when they think of scheduling sex as boring or a duty that needs to be done. Scheduling doesn’t automatically mean you won’t have steamy spur-of-the-moment, exciting, and mind-blowing quickies. If you want to ensure that you and your partner prioritize connection, fun, and sexual chemistry, schedule it.”
The benefits of scheduling sex and intimacy
The most obvious benefit of scheduling sex? The fact that it tends to lead to having more sex more often. But scheduled moments can also help you realize what else you were missing from the relationship, sexually or otherwise.
“Oftentimes someone might not really know what they want because of complex competing emotions, or just stress pulling your mind in different directions,” says DeGeare. “By scheduling sex, one partner might say, ‘Wow, I really didn’t realize how much I missed you,’ or, ‘I feel so much more relaxed and connected.’ They needed it on the schedule to slow down and connect.”
Plus, scheduling it is simply realistic. “If you look at the rest of your week, very few things are spontaneous, so why would we leave something so important in our romantic relationship up to chance? Scheduling says this is a priority for us, just like eating breakfast, a meeting, or a baseball game,” DeGeare points out. It also allows you to prep accordingly, she adds: “Everyone involved can be prepared to your comfort level. That means level of cleanliness, how much food you have eaten beforehand, and any other things that enhance pleasure.”
And before you start to worry, none of this means spontaneous sex stops being a possibility. “Just because you schedule sex does not mean you can’t follow the mood at any given moment,” asserts DeGeare. “Having a delicious connection now does not mean you can’t enjoy each other again later. It’s not pie, we don’t run out.”
You’re also not scheduling a play-by play of the session, predicting that at 7:05 p.m., this body part will touch that one. You’re scheduling time for intimacy instead. “Whatever happens in that container can still be spur-of-the-moment, without the timing of it being spur-of-the-moment,” says Wright. Thus, it’s no surprise that pro-scheduling couples with whom Wright works tend to have more spontaneous sex after adopting this mindset.
How to schedule sex and intimacy
How you choose to schedule sex and intimacy depends on you and your partner. Some couples may literally need to put it in their calendars—just make sure it’s not one that connects to your work account (for that reason alone, consider a physical calendar or planner you keep in your bedroom). For others, it’s more of a conversation.